[ All it would take was a little time, a few words to explain what he'd wanted to before, to get those words out there. There shouldn't be a requirement for Cloud to respond to those words, to give him any sort of reassurance; it's not what Rayne wanted from that conversation. What he wanted was to talk about.
It's embarrassing, mortifying, to think about any of it. ]
Do you remember how I said you should have left me, once we were alone?
[ Rayne makes a face, clearly finding it awkward that he was about to talk about anything even slightly related all over again. ]
I can't say what I would've done. If I would've left you. I probably wouldn't have. I'm-- I was scared you were going to. Couldn't believe you hadn't. More than actively thinking you'd done wrong. Being selfish is safe. Reliable.
[ Slowly shifting his arms to hug himself, Rayne turns his head away, staring over towards a point off further into the living room. ]
I didn't want to thank you but to apologize. For my attitude afterwards. I was in shock, I think. A little. It was the first time in years that I've felt that helpless, that small. And with some of the things I've done in the name of my own selfishness, I thought..... I deserved to be left behind.
[ He's trembling, he can feel it in his hands. The very thought made him feel sick-- especially after, how soon after, he'd made someone else feel so helpless and small in a very similar way that the situation had him feeling. More now than ever, maybe he deserved all the little things the city was throwing at him. Karma, or whatever. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head. What could have happened. How much worse it could have gotten. I wanted to ask you that day at the cafe if we could sleep together again -- in the hopes that it'd help in some fucked up way. [ Which, well. They did end up doing. ]
( the slow shift of the conversation takes cloud by surprise. sort of. all these things that rayne admits are the most rational reactions to the situation they'd been in that day in the down. it's always easier to save yourself, to put your own safety ahead of anyone else—especially a stranger. but he hasn't felt like that in a long time, knowing that it's important to rescue people but also equally important to know when to choose the battles he could win.
being there with rayne had been that kind of decision.
yet, rayne continues on, and his entire demeanor shifts, conscious of the way those emotions are welling up to the surface. without thinking about it, cloud moves closer and slips an arm around him, hoping that the action itself would steady him a little. or at least offer some comfort. )
I'm not like that, ( he says after a moment, his hand gently gripping rayne's shoulder. ) I wouldn't have left you. I still won't.
( but there's more to it than that, isn't there? there's always more, and cloud has no idea how to voice his own inner monologue, preferring his own company to most others in this place. he has to really put in the effort to reach out or console someone, to offer any kind of advice that isn't 'that's not my problem'. because as much as he believes that to be true, once he's gotten involved, the stakes change.
everything changes, like now. )
You wanted control, and the city took that from you. ( it always does, in some way. ) I don't know if anything would have changed had we agreed to do more. But... ( cloud draws rayne closer, his voice quiet. ) I'm here for you.
( just as he had been the last time they were together. )
[ Closer -- Rayne felt the shift of the weight on the couch, processed it before that arm slipped around him. His initial reaction, his instinctive one, would have been to pull away, to push Cloud back and to hide into himself, had the touch not been so steadying. His eyes flick over towards Cloud's, before back down, refusing to look him in the eyes for long.
Especially as he shifts slightly to lean into the hold. ]
How would I have known? [ Rayne mutters, shaking his head, ] We were strangers. Still are, mostly. I didn't know you. Didn't know what you were like.
[ Now he did. Now, he could look back on the situation and know that Cloud wouldn't have left him there. There isn't a universe where he would've been left there to deal with it himself. Learning to trust that, to trust other people, was something that was so very difficult. Something that, while he knew he could, he still very much struggled with.
Cloud's words hit right at the issue, hushing some of the thoughts that he'd been letting take control for days.
Turning, Rayne presses himself right up against Cloud, dipping his head down to press his cheek against his shoulder, one arm slipping around the other's waist. His hand idly plays with the fabric of his shirt, smoothing it out against Cloud.
It's with a soft nod that Rayne finally shows his understanding, his trust for the words that Cloud had offered. That quiet reassurance, the indirect denial of the idea that Rayne was alone in all this. It's cruel, the way a person's mind can work, isn't it? The way it can drag you down into the depths of improper logic and reasoning, where nothing makes true sense and yet everything feels so real and crushing.
The warmth they shared was enough to fully settle him. ]
... How are you doing?
[ The next four words out of his mouth -- he wasn't going to thank Cloud for being here, for saying he would be here for him. He didn't think he needed to say that aloud. His movements, his actions in response, should show that gratitude enough. ]
( rayne is warm, he finds. pressed up against him, his hand toying with part of his shirt—he's so incredibly warm. and oddly, it's an equal comfort to cloud who hadn't even considered the possibility of needing something like that. usually, he doesn't. but lately, especially given his current trend of being with others in some fashion, he's realized he wants this. the closeness, the touching. he'd gone years without it, and now, having it constantly and consistently, it's as if a part of him had been starved for even the most simple affections.
they're close, and cloud's fingers slide carefully along rayne's arm, teasing beneath the sleeve of his tee and stroking over the skin there. )
I'm – ( he cuts himself off. telling rayne that he's fine doesn't seem adequate, even if it might be the truth. ) I'm okay, ( it's said softly. ) I think I just wanted to see how you were after...
( does he need to elaborate? probably not. but cloud shifts just enough to use his other hand to touch the side of rayne's face, the curve of his cheek. )
I didn't like that you were drugged. You might not have had a choice asking me to help you ( considering the alternatives ) and I... I could have hurt you. I could have hurt you, and those drugs would have had you begging me for more.
( that's all there is: his guilt. for asking rayne to trust him and then pushing him beyond what he'd been physically capable of. maybe it has to do with control, but deep down, beyond all of that, it's more about trust. he knows what it's like to be completely dependent on the person you're with, placing your life in their hands. he'd given rayne those promises and still took him to a dangerous edge that might not have been so gentle if they'd continued. )
[ Closeness is something he craved, too. Starved for touch by his own demand, then suddenly getting close to others, close enough that he constantly thought about grabbing, touching, pulling those who he was close enough to into his arms, to never let go. It's both easier and harder here. Without self control, he'd take it too far, let himself get too close to someone else, and then... who knows. He doesn't want to think about it right now.
He doesn't expect honesty. Not that he expects lies. More, he half expects Cloud to ignore the question, to brush it off and continue to try and push his end instead.
Oh. ..... oh.
Leaning in against the touch to his face, his cheek pressing in against Cloud's hand, Rayne looks back to Cloud, watching his expression as he explains his own feelings, his own guilt. ]
Most people don't enjoy being drugged. I'm no exception. [ there's so much more to it, ] ... I don't regret it. It might have been the drug talking at the time, making it easy for me to handle all of that. That doesn't change the fact that now, I don't regret my decision to trust you. Even if it might have been mostly fueled by that drug.
[ He offers a shrug, as if that's meant to help ease the guilt Cloud's currently harboring. ]
You did what you felt you had to in order to help ease the symptoms. That's all there is to it.
Besides, [ Bringing his own hand up, he carefully presses his hand against the back of Cloud's, the one against his own cheek. ] If you had hurt me, I don't think that would change how I look at it.
Yes, I didn't really have much of a choice... but you took care of me, like you promised you would. If hurting me would have been part of that, then it would have been something equally as necessary. [ And, in Rayne's mind, he would've deserved it, for the acts he'd done recently. Hm. How could he say this better than that? ... ]
I'm not that fragile. You wouldn't have broken me.
( he doesn't expect rayne to really understand what he means.
before, cloud had been so easily controlled, so manipulated by sephiroth that he'd hurt aerith and then betrayed his friends. he could have been the puppet to help destroy the world, and then what? he's still trying to make amends, look for forgiveness in places he might have overlooked. but with rayne... he'd been the driving force, the executor. rayne had put himself into his hands, and what would have happened had he gone too far? had he consciously chosen to push further, to overstep rayne's limitations with the knowledge he could have just... stopped?
trust in others is difficult, he knows.
worse than that is how little cloud trusts himself.
rayne is sweet to placate him, convince him otherwise, and for the briefest moment, cloud believes it. they're fine, aren't they? they're talking about this reasonably, and whatever decisions they make after this will be of sound mind. it's why he lets his hand slip, the edge of his thumb gently pressing at that space beneath his lower lip. )
You might be right. ( but then again, rayne doesn't know him. he doesn't know rayne. ) I want... Is it okay if I kiss you?
( because it's something that should be different this time. )
[ In a way, their pasts before Duplicity don't matter one bit. What mattered was how the two of them approach each other, the sensitive nature of the situations that they had been in together in the short time they'd known one another.
It's funny. The same trouble Cloud is having, Rayne could relate to, easily. Being unable to trust others, to trust himself. Another thing that the two of them, if they were to speak on it, would be able to understand, to connect on.
For now, all the two of them could expect to do is listen to the words the other does offer, to offer what support they could, no matter how little.
They might not know each other. That could easily change - they just need to make the most of the time that they had that wasn't forced upon them in some way by the city. They've gotten their feelings out there, their thoughts, and now... now they could move on, get to know each other, become friends, if that's what they decided to do.
Rayne's own hand shifts, moves to press lightly against the couch on the other side of Cloud, to keep himself up as he leans in further. Not yet taking Cloud's lips in his own, but making his acceptance of the question known. ]
( it's not relief that washes over him at rayne's admittance but acknowledgement. a sort of amends to what they'd been through and what they might experience together in the future. because of this city, because of each other.
he could never tell what things might align for any of them.
cloud nods, briefly, and then, almost carefully, he draws rayne against him. kissing him should be familiar—and it is. they've done this plenty of times before, but there has never been an opportunity to savor it, to simply relish in the proximity of one another and take it slow. he tries that now, a soft kiss that carefully deepens into one of exploration. his tongue, a gentle nip to his lower lip. this is the one thing he'll never tire of, and though he figures rayne has noted as much, it doesn't mean he won't voice it at some point.
when he draws back to breathe, it isn't far. only enough so their noses touch, his thumb absently tracing down one of the lines along his cheek. )
...I should go now, ( he offers quietly, not pulling away but not doing anything to further instigate another kiss. )
[ Rayne is drawn in, their lips pressed together in a way that was both familiar and not. His eyes shut slowly into the kiss, as he settles in. The taste of his lips, the feeling of them against his own, weren't new by any means. It was, however, something that Rayne felt he was still learning, something that he appreciated the moment to learn more about, to explore without any rush.
His own tongue presses against Cloud's, slips past the other's lips to do exploring of his own. The tip of his tongue presses against the other's lower lip, tracing him, before retreating to allow him to nip at Cloud's lip in return, not wanting to part even when they needed to breathe.
Not that he kept the kiss going, when the kiss was broken. Rayne breathes out a soft, contented sigh. He'd relaxed enough now, and even more so with that sweet little kiss they shared.
Did Cloud have to go so soon?
They shouldn't rush this. Whatever this was-- no, it's a friendship, right? That's what they're doing, becoming friends. ]
One more, [ Rayne demands in a soft murmur, tilting his head to capture Cloud's lips in another kiss. The last one for the moment, before they part for the day. His own hand slips up to cup Cloud's cheek, as he leans in further. ]
( he doesn't have to go, but it feels important that he does. something about all of this with rayne says they should slow down, take their time. that they could figure it out as they went along and could get to know one another on their own terms and not at the whim of the city.
so, cloud kisses him with that in mind.
it's just as slow and just as gentle as the first one, carefully easing into it until something shifts between them and he's tugging rayne into his lap. the position will make it difficult for cloud, but he can reach him better like this. he can touch him more, feel the way he reacts without added stimulation. his hands smooth down rayne's back, holding him there as he breaks the kiss to mouth at his jaw, that spot between his neck and ear. it doesn't offer him much of a reprieve, pressing his face lightly to rayne's shoulder even as his fingers lightly fist in the material of his shirt. )
More than that, and I won't leave.
( but he will. he said he would. it's just some quiet affirmation to prove he means what he says despite (currently) doing the opposite. )
[ Another kiss, as he'd asked for. Cloud reciprocated as he'd hoped, accepted the single kiss more. Rayne presses close, his own side gentle and slow until that something shifts. Then, he's becoming more eager, slipping easily into Cloud's lap as he's tugged.
The hands against him earn a small shiver, a tiny gasp in the kiss. As it breaks, Rayne leans into the feeling of Cloud's mouth against his jaw, biting back a soft noise as he feels the way he explores against his skin.
Swallowing heavily, he leans his head to one side, pressing his cheek to the top of Cloud's head, his hand coming up to rest against the back of it for a second's time. ]
I'd tell you to stay, but...
[ But Cloud had made it clear. They needed to part for now, to take it easy. Not rush into anything, even if their bodies reacted so easily to the kisses they shared. ]
We'll see each other again. We should do something soon.
[ He doesn't have to elaborate, right? Doesn't have to explain just what he means by that? That, he wants to hang out, to do something that friends do. Not necessarily anything more than that. Whatever they felt like, in the moment, without any outside pressures. Carefully, he begins to untangle himself from Cloud, to move back onto the couch beside him, despite how much he wanted to stay right there in his lap, to kiss him until they couldn't breathe, to push themselves beyond the point of no return.
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It's embarrassing, mortifying, to think about any of it. ]
Do you remember how I said you should have left me, once we were alone?
[ Rayne makes a face, clearly finding it awkward that he was about to talk about anything even slightly related all over again. ]
I can't say what I would've done. If I would've left you. I probably wouldn't have. I'm-- I was scared you were going to. Couldn't believe you hadn't. More than actively thinking you'd done wrong. Being selfish is safe. Reliable.
[ Slowly shifting his arms to hug himself, Rayne turns his head away, staring over towards a point off further into the living room. ]
I didn't want to thank you but to apologize. For my attitude afterwards. I was in shock, I think. A little. It was the first time in years that I've felt that helpless, that small. And with some of the things I've done in the name of my own selfishness, I thought..... I deserved to be left behind.
[ He's trembling, he can feel it in his hands. The very thought made him feel sick-- especially after, how soon after, he'd made someone else feel so helpless and small in a very similar way that the situation had him feeling. More now than ever, maybe he deserved all the little things the city was throwing at him. Karma, or whatever. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head. What could have happened. How much worse it could have gotten. I wanted to ask you that day at the cafe if we could sleep together again -- in the hopes that it'd help in some fucked up way. [ Which, well. They did end up doing. ]
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being there with rayne had been that kind of decision.
yet, rayne continues on, and his entire demeanor shifts, conscious of the way those emotions are welling up to the surface. without thinking about it, cloud moves closer and slips an arm around him, hoping that the action itself would steady him a little. or at least offer some comfort. )
I'm not like that, ( he says after a moment, his hand gently gripping rayne's shoulder. ) I wouldn't have left you. I still won't.
( but there's more to it than that, isn't there? there's always more, and cloud has no idea how to voice his own inner monologue, preferring his own company to most others in this place. he has to really put in the effort to reach out or console someone, to offer any kind of advice that isn't 'that's not my problem'. because as much as he believes that to be true, once he's gotten involved, the stakes change.
everything changes, like now. )
You wanted control, and the city took that from you. ( it always does, in some way. ) I don't know if anything would have changed had we agreed to do more. But... ( cloud draws rayne closer, his voice quiet. ) I'm here for you.
( just as he had been the last time they were together. )
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Especially as he shifts slightly to lean into the hold. ]
How would I have known? [ Rayne mutters, shaking his head, ] We were strangers. Still are, mostly. I didn't know you. Didn't know what you were like.
[ Now he did. Now, he could look back on the situation and know that Cloud wouldn't have left him there. There isn't a universe where he would've been left there to deal with it himself. Learning to trust that, to trust other people, was something that was so very difficult. Something that, while he knew he could, he still very much struggled with.
Cloud's words hit right at the issue, hushing some of the thoughts that he'd been letting take control for days.
Turning, Rayne presses himself right up against Cloud, dipping his head down to press his cheek against his shoulder, one arm slipping around the other's waist. His hand idly plays with the fabric of his shirt, smoothing it out against Cloud.
It's with a soft nod that Rayne finally shows his understanding, his trust for the words that Cloud had offered. That quiet reassurance, the indirect denial of the idea that Rayne was alone in all this. It's cruel, the way a person's mind can work, isn't it? The way it can drag you down into the depths of improper logic and reasoning, where nothing makes true sense and yet everything feels so real and crushing.
The warmth they shared was enough to fully settle him. ]
... How are you doing?
[ The next four words out of his mouth -- he wasn't going to thank Cloud for being here, for saying he would be here for him. He didn't think he needed to say that aloud. His movements, his actions in response, should show that gratitude enough. ]
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they're close, and cloud's fingers slide carefully along rayne's arm, teasing beneath the sleeve of his tee and stroking over the skin there. )
I'm – ( he cuts himself off. telling rayne that he's fine doesn't seem adequate, even if it might be the truth. ) I'm okay, ( it's said softly. ) I think I just wanted to see how you were after...
( does he need to elaborate? probably not. but cloud shifts just enough to use his other hand to touch the side of rayne's face, the curve of his cheek. )
I didn't like that you were drugged. You might not have had a choice asking me to help you ( considering the alternatives ) and I... I could have hurt you. I could have hurt you, and those drugs would have had you begging me for more.
( that's all there is: his guilt. for asking rayne to trust him and then pushing him beyond what he'd been physically capable of. maybe it has to do with control, but deep down, beyond all of that, it's more about trust. he knows what it's like to be completely dependent on the person you're with, placing your life in their hands. he'd given rayne those promises and still took him to a dangerous edge that might not have been so gentle if they'd continued. )
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He doesn't expect honesty. Not that he expects lies. More, he half expects Cloud to ignore the question, to brush it off and continue to try and push his end instead.
Oh.
..... oh.
Leaning in against the touch to his face, his cheek pressing in against Cloud's hand, Rayne looks back to Cloud, watching his expression as he explains his own feelings, his own guilt. ]
Most people don't enjoy being drugged. I'm no exception. [ there's so much more to it, ] ... I don't regret it. It might have been the drug talking at the time, making it easy for me to handle all of that. That doesn't change the fact that now, I don't regret my decision to trust you. Even if it might have been mostly fueled by that drug.
[ He offers a shrug, as if that's meant to help ease the guilt Cloud's currently harboring. ]
You did what you felt you had to in order to help ease the symptoms. That's all there is to it.
Besides, [ Bringing his own hand up, he carefully presses his hand against the back of Cloud's, the one against his own cheek. ] If you had hurt me, I don't think that would change how I look at it.
Yes, I didn't really have much of a choice... but you took care of me, like you promised you would. If hurting me would have been part of that, then it would have been something equally as necessary. [ And, in Rayne's mind, he would've deserved it, for the acts he'd done recently. Hm. How could he say this better than that? ... ]
I'm not that fragile. You wouldn't have broken me.
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before, cloud had been so easily controlled, so manipulated by sephiroth that he'd hurt aerith and then betrayed his friends. he could have been the puppet to help destroy the world, and then what? he's still trying to make amends, look for forgiveness in places he might have overlooked. but with rayne... he'd been the driving force, the executor. rayne had put himself into his hands, and what would have happened had he gone too far? had he consciously chosen to push further, to overstep rayne's limitations with the knowledge he could have just... stopped?
trust in others is difficult, he knows.
worse than that is how little cloud trusts himself.
rayne is sweet to placate him, convince him otherwise, and for the briefest moment, cloud believes it. they're fine, aren't they? they're talking about this reasonably, and whatever decisions they make after this will be of sound mind. it's why he lets his hand slip, the edge of his thumb gently pressing at that space beneath his lower lip. )
You might be right. ( but then again, rayne doesn't know him. he doesn't know rayne. ) I want... Is it okay if I kiss you?
( because it's something that should be different this time. )
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It's funny. The same trouble Cloud is having, Rayne could relate to, easily. Being unable to trust others, to trust himself. Another thing that the two of them, if they were to speak on it, would be able to understand, to connect on.
For now, all the two of them could expect to do is listen to the words the other does offer, to offer what support they could, no matter how little.
They might not know each other. That could easily change - they just need to make the most of the time that they had that wasn't forced upon them in some way by the city. They've gotten their feelings out there, their thoughts, and now... now they could move on, get to know each other, become friends, if that's what they decided to do.
Rayne's own hand shifts, moves to press lightly against the couch on the other side of Cloud, to keep himself up as he leans in further. Not yet taking Cloud's lips in his own, but making his acceptance of the question known. ]
It is. [ and... ] I want you to.
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he could never tell what things might align for any of them.
cloud nods, briefly, and then, almost carefully, he draws rayne against him. kissing him should be familiar—and it is. they've done this plenty of times before, but there has never been an opportunity to savor it, to simply relish in the proximity of one another and take it slow. he tries that now, a soft kiss that carefully deepens into one of exploration. his tongue, a gentle nip to his lower lip. this is the one thing he'll never tire of, and though he figures rayne has noted as much, it doesn't mean he won't voice it at some point.
when he draws back to breathe, it isn't far. only enough so their noses touch, his thumb absently tracing down one of the lines along his cheek. )
...I should go now, ( he offers quietly, not pulling away but not doing anything to further instigate another kiss. )
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His own tongue presses against Cloud's, slips past the other's lips to do exploring of his own. The tip of his tongue presses against the other's lower lip, tracing him, before retreating to allow him to nip at Cloud's lip in return, not wanting to part even when they needed to breathe.
Not that he kept the kiss going, when the kiss was broken. Rayne breathes out a soft, contented sigh. He'd relaxed enough now, and even more so with that sweet little kiss they shared.
Did Cloud have to go so soon?
They shouldn't rush this. Whatever this was-- no, it's a friendship, right? That's what they're doing, becoming friends. ]
One more, [ Rayne demands in a soft murmur, tilting his head to capture Cloud's lips in another kiss. The last one for the moment, before they part for the day. His own hand slips up to cup Cloud's cheek, as he leans in further. ]
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so, cloud kisses him with that in mind.
it's just as slow and just as gentle as the first one, carefully easing into it until something shifts between them and he's tugging rayne into his lap. the position will make it difficult for cloud, but he can reach him better like this. he can touch him more, feel the way he reacts without added stimulation. his hands smooth down rayne's back, holding him there as he breaks the kiss to mouth at his jaw, that spot between his neck and ear. it doesn't offer him much of a reprieve, pressing his face lightly to rayne's shoulder even as his fingers lightly fist in the material of his shirt. )
More than that, and I won't leave.
( but he will. he said he would. it's just some quiet affirmation to prove he means what he says despite (currently) doing the opposite. )
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The hands against him earn a small shiver, a tiny gasp in the kiss. As it breaks, Rayne leans into the feeling of Cloud's mouth against his jaw, biting back a soft noise as he feels the way he explores against his skin.
Swallowing heavily, he leans his head to one side, pressing his cheek to the top of Cloud's head, his hand coming up to rest against the back of it for a second's time. ]
I'd tell you to stay, but...
[ But Cloud had made it clear. They needed to part for now, to take it easy. Not rush into anything, even if their bodies reacted so easily to the kisses they shared. ]
We'll see each other again. We should do something soon.
[ He doesn't have to elaborate, right? Doesn't have to explain just what he means by that? That, he wants to hang out, to do something that friends do. Not necessarily anything more than that. Whatever they felt like, in the moment, without any outside pressures. Carefully, he begins to untangle himself from Cloud, to move back onto the couch beside him, despite how much he wanted to stay right there in his lap, to kiss him until they couldn't breathe, to push themselves beyond the point of no return.
They'd have other times. ]