( maybe he should just leave it alone. they don't owe each other anything, and the gift rayne had made him is tucked away with the singular materia he'd arrived in the city with. of course he wouldn't throw it away, but trying to have a conversation over these devices is making it a lot harder than it has to be. )
Is that really it? You don't have to thank me for what happened.
[ Maybe a little too snappy there. He realizes this after he sent it. The little typing symbol pops up again, before Rayne erases that next message. This happens several times before the next one comes in. ]
I'm not the best at using my words. In any capacity. Texting is difficult. Harder for me to understand what you even mean. Can you just come out and ask what it is you want to know?
[ Better? Maybe. He just hopes he doesn't come off as a little bit bratty. ]
he's not the best with words either, and trying to talk to rayne and be proactive about talking about what happened between them is a new level of difficult he hadn't thought he'd ever have to broach. but here they are. )
You know what I mean. I pushed you too hard. So... how are you feeling?
( because cloud can't imagine what his mental state is after all that. )
[ ... There it was. Laid out in front of them. Words on a screen, pointing out the obvious that Rayne was trying so hard to avoid. ]
I was drugged beyond anything that either of us could handle.
[ Is that supposed to explain his feelings? ]
I was already not doing great before. It helped me forget that for a while.
Mortified that anyone saw me that desperate and needy. I do wish that we could have had a time where we could do that without city intervention of some sort. Before that. Then maybe I'd feel less mortified over it. Nothing we can do to change that.
Really, it's almost a net positive. I needed the time to stop thinking.
[ He learned he could trust Cloud too, didn't he? Not that they were going to become friends or anything after this. They might not even continue talking, once this conversation ended. Still, if the city shoves them together again for some reason, at least he'd be able to relax somewhat into it, to get through it. ]
but... what else can he do? caring for someone through action is a hell of a lot easier than verbally comforting them. would that even make rayne feel better? especially since he hadn't been doing well in the first place? had the city just made it worse for him and awkward for them? )
Sometimes, you just have to deal with it. ( 'like now' he almost types. ) Let's meet up. Your place or mine. That way it's just us and not the city.
( no outside intervention would be a good start discussing what they'd tried to do last time. )
( he will literally stare you into submission, rayne. except not because... well, he tends to avoid his problems by running from them. so, he has no grounds to comment on what he does or doesn't do.
but cloud does show up to rayne's door approximately nine minutes later, having been in the apartment he shares with gai. he isn't sure that makes it easier, knowing that rayne is nearby; they'd had to coincidentally miss one another in the elevator or main floor over the last day or so. or maybe they'd avoided one another.
either way, he knocks on the door and waits to be let inside. )
[ It wasn't too long of a wait. Ten minutes was something he could do, easy. That is, he thought he could do it without getting distracted by something.
One of those somethings being a rabbit, one that he cradles in his arms as he opens the door, about two minutes after Cloud knocked. The other, nearly identical rabbit, was tugging at his pant leg. ]
Sorry for the wait. They were fighting - had to separate them.
[ Rayne tells Cloud with a sigh, shaking his head. ]
They get along so well, get upset when separated, and yet get into trouble the second I'm not looking...
[ He moves back, careful of the rabbit tugging at his pants, giving Cloud room to enter. He slowly kneels down, setting the one he was cradling down and- the two immediately hop to one another, nudging against each other. Seems whatever argument the bunnies were having was over now. ]
Usako, be nice to your brother. [ This final bit of scolding is offered, before Rayne turns his attention back to Cloud, ] ... Come in, make yourself at home.
( of all things, he hadn't been expecting... rabbits?
it would make sense that some people had pets – could he call them pets? – but it hadn't actually registered as something that could exist in a place like this. cloud watches them quietly, slipping in through the door and removing his shoes. (he's found that to be the genuinely polite thing to do with many of the friends he's made.)
if he'd really felt comfortable in rayne's apartment, he might have crouched down to further inspect the rabbits.
instead, cloud shifts his gaze from them to rayne. )
I shouldn't stay long. ( because who knows what could happen in that short span of time. ) I just wanted to see you. ( er... he frowns slightly. ) How you were doing.
[ Maybe it’s obvious enough from the clothes he’s wearing. Someone who seemed to enjoy being “put together” when around other people, wearing nothing more than a pair of sweatpants and a tee. He hadn’t put in the effort to get dressed in something else.
Looking to Cloud, Rayne nods slightly at his words, brows furrowed. ]
I’m managing. [ A pause of his own, ] If you wanted to see me… That would be fine too.
[ Turning his gaze away, Rayne steps further into his own apartment, heading for the couch. He sits himself down there, with the open offer for Cloud to either join him or stand closer, whatever he wanted to do. The place seemed generally tidy, though from the living room it was clear there was a small mess in the kitchen, of dried flowers, different sets of herbs and plants- a bunch of scattered ingredients for something. Not that Cloud would know that Rayne isn’t a messy person, but he might be able to guess from his general attitude.
Pushing a hand through his hair, Rayne focused his gaze back up onto Cloud, as if waiting for him to say the next thing. Then, it dawns on him that he’s the one who probably needs to start. ]
I’m fine, you know. I’ve dealt with more complicated and difficult feelings on my own. [ He isn’t about to start relying fully on others, no matter what promises he might make, or what realizations he may come to on his own. ]
… Still, I appreciate it.
[ The stubborn boy admits, dancing around everything and never getting to the point — which, really, is so unlike him. ]
( truthfully, cloud doesn't care much for the layout of his place. or whatever might be going on inside of it. rayne had mentioned submissives, so multiple people lived there; regardless of how tidy, there's bound to be some kind of mess. and it seems he allows his rabbits to roam freely, careful to avoid stepping on them to join rayne at the sofa.
rather than sit, he leans slightly against the arm of it and relaxes. )
I'm not asking you to tell me your problems. ( stated bluntly, glancing over at him. ) But...
( ugh. why were conversations like this so difficult? he's not exactly the best at pep talks, and even when he does manage to rally people, it's mostly because there are others around him that have a stronger ability to encourage others to follow.
cloud settles into the silence for a moment, eyeing him as he thinks. he sighs. )
This place – it forces you into a situation you can't change. That doesn't mean you have to listen. Or that you're alone. ( how many times had he struggled with that fact? which honestly had nothing to do with his own label as a submissive. ) You can ask for help.
[ Good -- Rayne didn't want to tell Cloud his problems. To go into it at all, describe every situation this city had put him through and how it dragged him down. How it tore at the perfectionism he'd carefully curated over the last few years. The image he'd built up for himself, that he tried to uphold even after coming here.
Cloud had a point. He knew he did, especially with it being a similar point to the ones other people in his life had made time and time again.
It was his job to handle the difficult things alone. As much as he tries, there would always be that nagging feeling, the push to hide away and deal with it without asking for help. ]
...
[ Rayne focuses his gaze away. ]
I don't know many people here. Even if I did, much of what happens-- I have to learn to deal with it alone. Or be the one who's helping others deal with it. To be a good example. Someone that seems impossible to break. [ Rayne shifts, fiddling with his own hands. ] It's how it's always been. Even with one of my Submissives offering to shoulder some-- there's always something more.
[ At least he's getting it out there, not exactly avoiding the conversation but, talking about it. ]
I've never had so many things happen at once. I can handle it. Need the time to do so, then I'll be fine.
[ He's saying all this, but shifting to bring his legs up onto the couch, to lean on the arm of the couch from the other side. Not quite touching Cloud, but clearly wanting to reach out in some form. ]
Back home, I had exactly one friend. He was my roommate. Always knew what to say, what to suggest I do to relieve some of the pressure from my position. He's the reason I started raising bunnies.... I think he'd know what to say. What to do. [ And that's what he needs, desperately. Someone like that; a friend. ]
I don't understand him. Not well enough to imagine what he might say.
( he is definitely not the kind of person to be hearing all of this. with his own problems, even with friends, his first choice had been to hide from it. run as far and as fast as he could, avoid it until it somehow managed to fix itself. that's why he'd left tifa to deal with everything in midgar, why he chose to ride out on deliveries that took days or weeks to complete.
he couldn't fathom carrying the sort of weight rayne is talking about.
but...
he has, hasn't he? he'd taken on helping tifa and then aerith and then, well, the planet. he'd carried all of that and then some, hadn't known what to do or how to make it better—just push forward and keep going no matter what. and maybe it's not quite the same for rayne; they're different people from different worlds. but from his own experiences, dwelling on it to this extent would only make it worse. it would only deepen the pain to an unbearable degree.
gently, cloud reaches out and rests a hand atop rayne's head. just a reassuring thing. )
Stop trying to be perfect. ( plain and simple. ) No one really cares about that.
( at least he doesn't. people are too complicated, and even someone who might appear to be a shining example of perfection and heroism has their flaws. sephiroth had been so idolized, so untouchable, and in the end, all that had done had driven him into a corner full of loneliness and insanity. )
And if you need a friend... ( cloud doesn't elaborate further, but he does lightly tease at rayne's hair to punctuate the point. )
[ They're similar, even if Rayne doesn't know it. Instead of leaving, of running, Rayne decided to constantly take things head on, to force himself to bear the brunt of it, as long as it meant that others wouldn't have to. Being perfect was exactly what he did best, not because he wanted to, but because he had to be.
For the sake of his brother. For the sake of the change he was trying to enact within the world.
The hand atop his head earns Cloud a slight glance, before he leans into the touch. That's always how it was, wasn't it? Keep pushing forward, keep doing what you're doing, until finally it's over and you can let all the worries wash away without ever addressing them. Nothing would ever be over, not really. It's always been, and always would be, wishful thinking.
A small breath escapes him in a huff of a laugh, as he peeks up towards Cloud again. ]
Fucked up way to become friends with someone. [ Cloud doesn't have to say it; Rayne knows what he means, what he's offering. ] Guess that's the way of this city.
[ Tilting his head up, Rayne lifts one of his hands to move Cloud's hand, to take it in his own instead. The way of this city-- friends were different here, too. Turning to sit up on his knees, facing Cloud, he tugs on the other's hand to try and pull him down, attempting to capture his lips in a quick kiss. Whether he manages or not, he motions with his head towards the rest of the couch. ]
everyone he knows he's been with one way or another—because it had been pressed upon them or because there'd been no alternative. maybe that's just how it has to be, feeling rayne move before he's actually on his knees, and though cloud doesn't fight it, he also doesn't entirely reciprocate rayne's kiss.
he immediately thinks about the last time they were together and flushes slightly. )
To talk? ( is the question that leaves him even as he maneuvers around to sit next to rayne. ) Or because you want to kiss me?
( there's no harshness to it, no annoyance. it's only a careful tease, pressing on the conversation they have yet to have but probably should. there had been no room after meeting at that cafe, and when cloud had left rayne at his apartment, he'd immediately busied himself with other things. now, fully themselves and not drugged or being forced to do anything, he believes they should be upfront about what they're doing. )
[ With Cloud moving, Rayne shifts back to sit properly on the couch, instead of sitting up like that on his knees. His own face earns a slight flush at the teasing questions.
He doesn't stammer, but he certainly doesn't give a proper response right away. ]
Both. [ A blunt answer, without a single ounce of sugar to coat it, to show off what he wanted to say without actually saying it. As was his nature, as much as he wanted to fight it. ] Nothing says I can't want both.
[ It's such a simple way of thinking, of saying it, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It seems he's settling down a little, just from having the company for a short time. Oh, but they really should talk, huh...? About... that. How do they start? Where do they start?
... Especially with the whole Finder thing making it public knowledge that--
Ugh. He's starting to get that embarrassment built right back up, the annoyance at the situation as a whole. ]
( regardless of rayne's answer, cloud had meant what he'd said: he shouldn't stay long.
mostly, he doesn't want to have some sort of awkward introduction to rayne's submissives. whatever this thing is between them, friendship or otherwise, shouldn't be something they advertise to the world. unless he has that kind of relationship with whoever he's contracted to, but that's between them and rayne. cloud slowly relaxes into the cushions, looking at rayne for a moment.
he has say something. maybe... )
What were you going to tell me last time?
( maybe it would help to begin there rather than directly jump into how hard cloud had pushed him that day. and if neither of them could find anything else to say after that, then they still had another option to pass some of the time before cloud decided to go. )
[ All it would take was a little time, a few words to explain what he'd wanted to before, to get those words out there. There shouldn't be a requirement for Cloud to respond to those words, to give him any sort of reassurance; it's not what Rayne wanted from that conversation. What he wanted was to talk about.
It's embarrassing, mortifying, to think about any of it. ]
Do you remember how I said you should have left me, once we were alone?
[ Rayne makes a face, clearly finding it awkward that he was about to talk about anything even slightly related all over again. ]
I can't say what I would've done. If I would've left you. I probably wouldn't have. I'm-- I was scared you were going to. Couldn't believe you hadn't. More than actively thinking you'd done wrong. Being selfish is safe. Reliable.
[ Slowly shifting his arms to hug himself, Rayne turns his head away, staring over towards a point off further into the living room. ]
I didn't want to thank you but to apologize. For my attitude afterwards. I was in shock, I think. A little. It was the first time in years that I've felt that helpless, that small. And with some of the things I've done in the name of my own selfishness, I thought..... I deserved to be left behind.
[ He's trembling, he can feel it in his hands. The very thought made him feel sick-- especially after, how soon after, he'd made someone else feel so helpless and small in a very similar way that the situation had him feeling. More now than ever, maybe he deserved all the little things the city was throwing at him. Karma, or whatever. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head. What could have happened. How much worse it could have gotten. I wanted to ask you that day at the cafe if we could sleep together again -- in the hopes that it'd help in some fucked up way. [ Which, well. They did end up doing. ]
( the slow shift of the conversation takes cloud by surprise. sort of. all these things that rayne admits are the most rational reactions to the situation they'd been in that day in the down. it's always easier to save yourself, to put your own safety ahead of anyone else—especially a stranger. but he hasn't felt like that in a long time, knowing that it's important to rescue people but also equally important to know when to choose the battles he could win.
being there with rayne had been that kind of decision.
yet, rayne continues on, and his entire demeanor shifts, conscious of the way those emotions are welling up to the surface. without thinking about it, cloud moves closer and slips an arm around him, hoping that the action itself would steady him a little. or at least offer some comfort. )
I'm not like that, ( he says after a moment, his hand gently gripping rayne's shoulder. ) I wouldn't have left you. I still won't.
( but there's more to it than that, isn't there? there's always more, and cloud has no idea how to voice his own inner monologue, preferring his own company to most others in this place. he has to really put in the effort to reach out or console someone, to offer any kind of advice that isn't 'that's not my problem'. because as much as he believes that to be true, once he's gotten involved, the stakes change.
everything changes, like now. )
You wanted control, and the city took that from you. ( it always does, in some way. ) I don't know if anything would have changed had we agreed to do more. But... ( cloud draws rayne closer, his voice quiet. ) I'm here for you.
( just as he had been the last time they were together. )
[ Closer -- Rayne felt the shift of the weight on the couch, processed it before that arm slipped around him. His initial reaction, his instinctive one, would have been to pull away, to push Cloud back and to hide into himself, had the touch not been so steadying. His eyes flick over towards Cloud's, before back down, refusing to look him in the eyes for long.
Especially as he shifts slightly to lean into the hold. ]
How would I have known? [ Rayne mutters, shaking his head, ] We were strangers. Still are, mostly. I didn't know you. Didn't know what you were like.
[ Now he did. Now, he could look back on the situation and know that Cloud wouldn't have left him there. There isn't a universe where he would've been left there to deal with it himself. Learning to trust that, to trust other people, was something that was so very difficult. Something that, while he knew he could, he still very much struggled with.
Cloud's words hit right at the issue, hushing some of the thoughts that he'd been letting take control for days.
Turning, Rayne presses himself right up against Cloud, dipping his head down to press his cheek against his shoulder, one arm slipping around the other's waist. His hand idly plays with the fabric of his shirt, smoothing it out against Cloud.
It's with a soft nod that Rayne finally shows his understanding, his trust for the words that Cloud had offered. That quiet reassurance, the indirect denial of the idea that Rayne was alone in all this. It's cruel, the way a person's mind can work, isn't it? The way it can drag you down into the depths of improper logic and reasoning, where nothing makes true sense and yet everything feels so real and crushing.
The warmth they shared was enough to fully settle him. ]
... How are you doing?
[ The next four words out of his mouth -- he wasn't going to thank Cloud for being here, for saying he would be here for him. He didn't think he needed to say that aloud. His movements, his actions in response, should show that gratitude enough. ]
( rayne is warm, he finds. pressed up against him, his hand toying with part of his shirt—he's so incredibly warm. and oddly, it's an equal comfort to cloud who hadn't even considered the possibility of needing something like that. usually, he doesn't. but lately, especially given his current trend of being with others in some fashion, he's realized he wants this. the closeness, the touching. he'd gone years without it, and now, having it constantly and consistently, it's as if a part of him had been starved for even the most simple affections.
they're close, and cloud's fingers slide carefully along rayne's arm, teasing beneath the sleeve of his tee and stroking over the skin there. )
I'm – ( he cuts himself off. telling rayne that he's fine doesn't seem adequate, even if it might be the truth. ) I'm okay, ( it's said softly. ) I think I just wanted to see how you were after...
( does he need to elaborate? probably not. but cloud shifts just enough to use his other hand to touch the side of rayne's face, the curve of his cheek. )
I didn't like that you were drugged. You might not have had a choice asking me to help you ( considering the alternatives ) and I... I could have hurt you. I could have hurt you, and those drugs would have had you begging me for more.
( that's all there is: his guilt. for asking rayne to trust him and then pushing him beyond what he'd been physically capable of. maybe it has to do with control, but deep down, beyond all of that, it's more about trust. he knows what it's like to be completely dependent on the person you're with, placing your life in their hands. he'd given rayne those promises and still took him to a dangerous edge that might not have been so gentle if they'd continued. )
[ Closeness is something he craved, too. Starved for touch by his own demand, then suddenly getting close to others, close enough that he constantly thought about grabbing, touching, pulling those who he was close enough to into his arms, to never let go. It's both easier and harder here. Without self control, he'd take it too far, let himself get too close to someone else, and then... who knows. He doesn't want to think about it right now.
He doesn't expect honesty. Not that he expects lies. More, he half expects Cloud to ignore the question, to brush it off and continue to try and push his end instead.
Oh. ..... oh.
Leaning in against the touch to his face, his cheek pressing in against Cloud's hand, Rayne looks back to Cloud, watching his expression as he explains his own feelings, his own guilt. ]
Most people don't enjoy being drugged. I'm no exception. [ there's so much more to it, ] ... I don't regret it. It might have been the drug talking at the time, making it easy for me to handle all of that. That doesn't change the fact that now, I don't regret my decision to trust you. Even if it might have been mostly fueled by that drug.
[ He offers a shrug, as if that's meant to help ease the guilt Cloud's currently harboring. ]
You did what you felt you had to in order to help ease the symptoms. That's all there is to it.
Besides, [ Bringing his own hand up, he carefully presses his hand against the back of Cloud's, the one against his own cheek. ] If you had hurt me, I don't think that would change how I look at it.
Yes, I didn't really have much of a choice... but you took care of me, like you promised you would. If hurting me would have been part of that, then it would have been something equally as necessary. [ And, in Rayne's mind, he would've deserved it, for the acts he'd done recently. Hm. How could he say this better than that? ... ]
I'm not that fragile. You wouldn't have broken me.
( he doesn't expect rayne to really understand what he means.
before, cloud had been so easily controlled, so manipulated by sephiroth that he'd hurt aerith and then betrayed his friends. he could have been the puppet to help destroy the world, and then what? he's still trying to make amends, look for forgiveness in places he might have overlooked. but with rayne... he'd been the driving force, the executor. rayne had put himself into his hands, and what would have happened had he gone too far? had he consciously chosen to push further, to overstep rayne's limitations with the knowledge he could have just... stopped?
trust in others is difficult, he knows.
worse than that is how little cloud trusts himself.
rayne is sweet to placate him, convince him otherwise, and for the briefest moment, cloud believes it. they're fine, aren't they? they're talking about this reasonably, and whatever decisions they make after this will be of sound mind. it's why he lets his hand slip, the edge of his thumb gently pressing at that space beneath his lower lip. )
You might be right. ( but then again, rayne doesn't know him. he doesn't know rayne. ) I want... Is it okay if I kiss you?
( because it's something that should be different this time. )
[ In a way, their pasts before Duplicity don't matter one bit. What mattered was how the two of them approach each other, the sensitive nature of the situations that they had been in together in the short time they'd known one another.
It's funny. The same trouble Cloud is having, Rayne could relate to, easily. Being unable to trust others, to trust himself. Another thing that the two of them, if they were to speak on it, would be able to understand, to connect on.
For now, all the two of them could expect to do is listen to the words the other does offer, to offer what support they could, no matter how little.
They might not know each other. That could easily change - they just need to make the most of the time that they had that wasn't forced upon them in some way by the city. They've gotten their feelings out there, their thoughts, and now... now they could move on, get to know each other, become friends, if that's what they decided to do.
Rayne's own hand shifts, moves to press lightly against the couch on the other side of Cloud, to keep himself up as he leans in further. Not yet taking Cloud's lips in his own, but making his acceptance of the question known. ]
( it's not relief that washes over him at rayne's admittance but acknowledgement. a sort of amends to what they'd been through and what they might experience together in the future. because of this city, because of each other.
he could never tell what things might align for any of them.
cloud nods, briefly, and then, almost carefully, he draws rayne against him. kissing him should be familiar—and it is. they've done this plenty of times before, but there has never been an opportunity to savor it, to simply relish in the proximity of one another and take it slow. he tries that now, a soft kiss that carefully deepens into one of exploration. his tongue, a gentle nip to his lower lip. this is the one thing he'll never tire of, and though he figures rayne has noted as much, it doesn't mean he won't voice it at some point.
when he draws back to breathe, it isn't far. only enough so their noses touch, his thumb absently tracing down one of the lines along his cheek. )
...I should go now, ( he offers quietly, not pulling away but not doing anything to further instigate another kiss. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Is that really it?
You don't have to thank me for what happened.
( there's no room for it anymore. )
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[ Maybe a little too snappy there. He realizes this after he sent it. The little typing symbol pops up again, before Rayne erases that next message. This happens several times before the next one comes in. ]
I'm not the best at using my words. In any capacity. Texting is difficult. Harder for me to understand what you even mean. Can you just come out and ask what it is you want to know?
[ Better? Maybe. He just hopes he doesn't come off as a little bit bratty. ]
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he's not the best with words either, and trying to talk to rayne and be proactive about talking about what happened between them is a new level of difficult he hadn't thought he'd ever have to broach. but here they are. )
You know what I mean.
I pushed you too hard. So... how are you feeling?
( because cloud can't imagine what his mental state is after all that. )
no subject
I was drugged beyond anything that either of us could handle.
[ Is that supposed to explain his feelings? ]
I was already not doing great before. It helped me forget that for a while.
Mortified that anyone saw me that desperate and needy.
I do wish that we could have had a time where we could do that without city intervention of some sort. Before that. Then maybe I'd feel less mortified over it. Nothing we can do to change that.
Really, it's almost a net positive. I needed the time to stop thinking.
[ He learned he could trust Cloud too, didn't he? Not that they were going to become friends or anything after this. They might not even continue talking, once this conversation ended. Still, if the city shoves them together again for some reason, at least he'd be able to relax somewhat into it, to get through it. ]
no subject
( says the hypocrite.
but... what else can he do? caring for someone through action is a hell of a lot easier than verbally comforting them. would that even make rayne feel better? especially since he hadn't been doing well in the first place? had the city just made it worse for him and awkward for them? )
Sometimes, you just have to deal with it. ( 'like now' he almost types. )
Let's meet up. Your place or mine.
That way it's just us and not the city.
( no outside intervention would be a good start discussing what they'd tried to do last time. )
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[ He's a stubborn man, even more stubborn when it comes to his own feelings, sorry Cloud.
At the suggestion of meeting up, he pauses once more, seeing to think on it for a second before finally replying. ]
Mine. It's safer, and my Submissives are out.
[ You know, he hates calling them that, but it's far easier than naming them or saying 'my brother and friend'. ]
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( he will literally stare you into submission, rayne. except not because... well, he tends to avoid his problems by running from them. so, he has no grounds to comment on what he does or doesn't do.
but cloud does show up to rayne's door approximately nine minutes later, having been in the apartment he shares with gai. he isn't sure that makes it easier, knowing that rayne is nearby; they'd had to coincidentally miss one another in the elevator or main floor over the last day or so. or maybe they'd avoided one another.
either way, he knocks on the door and waits to be let inside. )
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One of those somethings being a rabbit, one that he cradles in his arms as he opens the door, about two minutes after Cloud knocked. The other, nearly identical rabbit, was tugging at his pant leg. ]
Sorry for the wait. They were fighting - had to separate them.
[ Rayne tells Cloud with a sigh, shaking his head. ]
They get along so well, get upset when separated, and yet get into trouble the second I'm not looking...
[ He moves back, careful of the rabbit tugging at his pants, giving Cloud room to enter. He slowly kneels down, setting the one he was cradling down and- the two immediately hop to one another, nudging against each other. Seems whatever argument the bunnies were having was over now. ]
Usako, be nice to your brother. [ This final bit of scolding is offered, before Rayne turns his attention back to Cloud, ] ... Come in, make yourself at home.
no subject
it would make sense that some people had pets – could he call them pets? – but it hadn't actually registered as something that could exist in a place like this. cloud watches them quietly, slipping in through the door and removing his shoes. (he's found that to be the genuinely polite thing to do with many of the friends he's made.)
if he'd really felt comfortable in rayne's apartment, he might have crouched down to further inspect the rabbits.
instead, cloud shifts his gaze from them to rayne. )
I shouldn't stay long. ( because who knows what could happen in that short span of time. ) I just wanted to see you. ( er... he frowns slightly. ) How you were doing.
no subject
Looking to Cloud, Rayne nods slightly at his words, brows furrowed. ]
I’m managing. [ A pause of his own, ] If you wanted to see me… That would be fine too.
[ Turning his gaze away, Rayne steps further into his own apartment, heading for the couch. He sits himself down there, with the open offer for Cloud to either join him or stand closer, whatever he wanted to do. The place seemed generally tidy, though from the living room it was clear there was a small mess in the kitchen, of dried flowers, different sets of herbs and plants- a bunch of scattered ingredients for something. Not that Cloud would know that Rayne isn’t a messy person, but he might be able to guess from his general attitude.
Pushing a hand through his hair, Rayne focused his gaze back up onto Cloud, as if waiting for him to say the next thing. Then, it dawns on him that he’s the one who probably needs to start. ]
I’m fine, you know. I’ve dealt with more complicated and difficult feelings on my own. [ He isn’t about to start relying fully on others, no matter what promises he might make, or what realizations he may come to on his own. ]
… Still, I appreciate it.
[ The stubborn boy admits, dancing around everything and never getting to the point — which, really, is so unlike him. ]
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rather than sit, he leans slightly against the arm of it and relaxes. )
I'm not asking you to tell me your problems. ( stated bluntly, glancing over at him. ) But...
( ugh. why were conversations like this so difficult? he's not exactly the best at pep talks, and even when he does manage to rally people, it's mostly because there are others around him that have a stronger ability to encourage others to follow.
cloud settles into the silence for a moment, eyeing him as he thinks. he sighs. )
This place – it forces you into a situation you can't change. That doesn't mean you have to listen. Or that you're alone. ( how many times had he struggled with that fact? which honestly had nothing to do with his own label as a submissive. ) You can ask for help.
( cloud wouldn't judge him for that. )
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Cloud had a point. He knew he did, especially with it being a similar point to the ones other people in his life had made time and time again.
It was his job to handle the difficult things alone. As much as he tries, there would always be that nagging feeling, the push to hide away and deal with it without asking for help. ]
...
[ Rayne focuses his gaze away. ]
I don't know many people here. Even if I did, much of what happens-- I have to learn to deal with it alone. Or be the one who's helping others deal with it. To be a good example. Someone that seems impossible to break. [ Rayne shifts, fiddling with his own hands. ] It's how it's always been. Even with one of my Submissives offering to shoulder some-- there's always something more.
[ At least he's getting it out there, not exactly avoiding the conversation but, talking about it. ]
I've never had so many things happen at once. I can handle it. Need the time to do so, then I'll be fine.
[ He's saying all this, but shifting to bring his legs up onto the couch, to lean on the arm of the couch from the other side. Not quite touching Cloud, but clearly wanting to reach out in some form. ]
Back home, I had exactly one friend. He was my roommate. Always knew what to say, what to suggest I do to relieve some of the pressure from my position. He's the reason I started raising bunnies.... I think he'd know what to say. What to do. [ And that's what he needs, desperately. Someone like that; a friend. ]
I don't understand him. Not well enough to imagine what he might say.
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he couldn't fathom carrying the sort of weight rayne is talking about.
but...
he has, hasn't he? he'd taken on helping tifa and then aerith and then, well, the planet. he'd carried all of that and then some, hadn't known what to do or how to make it better—just push forward and keep going no matter what. and maybe it's not quite the same for rayne; they're different people from different worlds. but from his own experiences, dwelling on it to this extent would only make it worse. it would only deepen the pain to an unbearable degree.
gently, cloud reaches out and rests a hand atop rayne's head. just a reassuring thing. )
Stop trying to be perfect. ( plain and simple. ) No one really cares about that.
( at least he doesn't. people are too complicated, and even someone who might appear to be a shining example of perfection and heroism has their flaws. sephiroth had been so idolized, so untouchable, and in the end, all that had done had driven him into a corner full of loneliness and insanity. )
And if you need a friend... ( cloud doesn't elaborate further, but he does lightly tease at rayne's hair to punctuate the point. )
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For the sake of his brother. For the sake of the change he was trying to enact within the world.
The hand atop his head earns Cloud a slight glance, before he leans into the touch. That's always how it was, wasn't it? Keep pushing forward, keep doing what you're doing, until finally it's over and you can let all the worries wash away without ever addressing them. Nothing would ever be over, not really. It's always been, and always would be, wishful thinking.
A small breath escapes him in a huff of a laugh, as he peeks up towards Cloud again. ]
Fucked up way to become friends with someone. [ Cloud doesn't have to say it; Rayne knows what he means, what he's offering. ] Guess that's the way of this city.
[ Tilting his head up, Rayne lifts one of his hands to move Cloud's hand, to take it in his own instead. The way of this city-- friends were different here, too. Turning to sit up on his knees, facing Cloud, he tugs on the other's hand to try and pull him down, attempting to capture his lips in a quick kiss. Whether he manages or not, he motions with his head towards the rest of the couch. ]
Come sit closer.
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everyone he knows he's been with one way or another—because it had been pressed upon them or because there'd been no alternative. maybe that's just how it has to be, feeling rayne move before he's actually on his knees, and though cloud doesn't fight it, he also doesn't entirely reciprocate rayne's kiss.
he immediately thinks about the last time they were together and flushes slightly. )
To talk? ( is the question that leaves him even as he maneuvers around to sit next to rayne. ) Or because you want to kiss me?
( there's no harshness to it, no annoyance. it's only a careful tease, pressing on the conversation they have yet to have but probably should. there had been no room after meeting at that cafe, and when cloud had left rayne at his apartment, he'd immediately busied himself with other things. now, fully themselves and not drugged or being forced to do anything, he believes they should be upfront about what they're doing. )
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He doesn't stammer, but he certainly doesn't give a proper response right away. ]
Both. [ A blunt answer, without a single ounce of sugar to coat it, to show off what he wanted to say without actually saying it. As was his nature, as much as he wanted to fight it. ] Nothing says I can't want both.
[ It's such a simple way of thinking, of saying it, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. It seems he's settling down a little, just from having the company for a short time. Oh, but they really should talk, huh...? About... that. How do they start? Where do they start?
... Especially with the whole Finder thing making it public knowledge that--
Ugh. He's starting to get that embarrassment built right back up, the annoyance at the situation as a whole. ]
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mostly, he doesn't want to have some sort of awkward introduction to rayne's submissives. whatever this thing is between them, friendship or otherwise, shouldn't be something they advertise to the world. unless he has that kind of relationship with whoever he's contracted to, but that's between them and rayne. cloud slowly relaxes into the cushions, looking at rayne for a moment.
he has say something. maybe... )
What were you going to tell me last time?
( maybe it would help to begin there rather than directly jump into how hard cloud had pushed him that day. and if neither of them could find anything else to say after that, then they still had another option to pass some of the time before cloud decided to go. )
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It's embarrassing, mortifying, to think about any of it. ]
Do you remember how I said you should have left me, once we were alone?
[ Rayne makes a face, clearly finding it awkward that he was about to talk about anything even slightly related all over again. ]
I can't say what I would've done. If I would've left you. I probably wouldn't have. I'm-- I was scared you were going to. Couldn't believe you hadn't. More than actively thinking you'd done wrong. Being selfish is safe. Reliable.
[ Slowly shifting his arms to hug himself, Rayne turns his head away, staring over towards a point off further into the living room. ]
I didn't want to thank you but to apologize. For my attitude afterwards. I was in shock, I think. A little. It was the first time in years that I've felt that helpless, that small. And with some of the things I've done in the name of my own selfishness, I thought..... I deserved to be left behind.
[ He's trembling, he can feel it in his hands. The very thought made him feel sick-- especially after, how soon after, he'd made someone else feel so helpless and small in a very similar way that the situation had him feeling. More now than ever, maybe he deserved all the little things the city was throwing at him. Karma, or whatever. ]
I couldn't get it out of my head. What could have happened. How much worse it could have gotten. I wanted to ask you that day at the cafe if we could sleep together again -- in the hopes that it'd help in some fucked up way. [ Which, well. They did end up doing. ]
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being there with rayne had been that kind of decision.
yet, rayne continues on, and his entire demeanor shifts, conscious of the way those emotions are welling up to the surface. without thinking about it, cloud moves closer and slips an arm around him, hoping that the action itself would steady him a little. or at least offer some comfort. )
I'm not like that, ( he says after a moment, his hand gently gripping rayne's shoulder. ) I wouldn't have left you. I still won't.
( but there's more to it than that, isn't there? there's always more, and cloud has no idea how to voice his own inner monologue, preferring his own company to most others in this place. he has to really put in the effort to reach out or console someone, to offer any kind of advice that isn't 'that's not my problem'. because as much as he believes that to be true, once he's gotten involved, the stakes change.
everything changes, like now. )
You wanted control, and the city took that from you. ( it always does, in some way. ) I don't know if anything would have changed had we agreed to do more. But... ( cloud draws rayne closer, his voice quiet. ) I'm here for you.
( just as he had been the last time they were together. )
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Especially as he shifts slightly to lean into the hold. ]
How would I have known? [ Rayne mutters, shaking his head, ] We were strangers. Still are, mostly. I didn't know you. Didn't know what you were like.
[ Now he did. Now, he could look back on the situation and know that Cloud wouldn't have left him there. There isn't a universe where he would've been left there to deal with it himself. Learning to trust that, to trust other people, was something that was so very difficult. Something that, while he knew he could, he still very much struggled with.
Cloud's words hit right at the issue, hushing some of the thoughts that he'd been letting take control for days.
Turning, Rayne presses himself right up against Cloud, dipping his head down to press his cheek against his shoulder, one arm slipping around the other's waist. His hand idly plays with the fabric of his shirt, smoothing it out against Cloud.
It's with a soft nod that Rayne finally shows his understanding, his trust for the words that Cloud had offered. That quiet reassurance, the indirect denial of the idea that Rayne was alone in all this. It's cruel, the way a person's mind can work, isn't it? The way it can drag you down into the depths of improper logic and reasoning, where nothing makes true sense and yet everything feels so real and crushing.
The warmth they shared was enough to fully settle him. ]
... How are you doing?
[ The next four words out of his mouth -- he wasn't going to thank Cloud for being here, for saying he would be here for him. He didn't think he needed to say that aloud. His movements, his actions in response, should show that gratitude enough. ]
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they're close, and cloud's fingers slide carefully along rayne's arm, teasing beneath the sleeve of his tee and stroking over the skin there. )
I'm – ( he cuts himself off. telling rayne that he's fine doesn't seem adequate, even if it might be the truth. ) I'm okay, ( it's said softly. ) I think I just wanted to see how you were after...
( does he need to elaborate? probably not. but cloud shifts just enough to use his other hand to touch the side of rayne's face, the curve of his cheek. )
I didn't like that you were drugged. You might not have had a choice asking me to help you ( considering the alternatives ) and I... I could have hurt you. I could have hurt you, and those drugs would have had you begging me for more.
( that's all there is: his guilt. for asking rayne to trust him and then pushing him beyond what he'd been physically capable of. maybe it has to do with control, but deep down, beyond all of that, it's more about trust. he knows what it's like to be completely dependent on the person you're with, placing your life in their hands. he'd given rayne those promises and still took him to a dangerous edge that might not have been so gentle if they'd continued. )
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He doesn't expect honesty. Not that he expects lies. More, he half expects Cloud to ignore the question, to brush it off and continue to try and push his end instead.
Oh.
..... oh.
Leaning in against the touch to his face, his cheek pressing in against Cloud's hand, Rayne looks back to Cloud, watching his expression as he explains his own feelings, his own guilt. ]
Most people don't enjoy being drugged. I'm no exception. [ there's so much more to it, ] ... I don't regret it. It might have been the drug talking at the time, making it easy for me to handle all of that. That doesn't change the fact that now, I don't regret my decision to trust you. Even if it might have been mostly fueled by that drug.
[ He offers a shrug, as if that's meant to help ease the guilt Cloud's currently harboring. ]
You did what you felt you had to in order to help ease the symptoms. That's all there is to it.
Besides, [ Bringing his own hand up, he carefully presses his hand against the back of Cloud's, the one against his own cheek. ] If you had hurt me, I don't think that would change how I look at it.
Yes, I didn't really have much of a choice... but you took care of me, like you promised you would. If hurting me would have been part of that, then it would have been something equally as necessary. [ And, in Rayne's mind, he would've deserved it, for the acts he'd done recently. Hm. How could he say this better than that? ... ]
I'm not that fragile. You wouldn't have broken me.
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before, cloud had been so easily controlled, so manipulated by sephiroth that he'd hurt aerith and then betrayed his friends. he could have been the puppet to help destroy the world, and then what? he's still trying to make amends, look for forgiveness in places he might have overlooked. but with rayne... he'd been the driving force, the executor. rayne had put himself into his hands, and what would have happened had he gone too far? had he consciously chosen to push further, to overstep rayne's limitations with the knowledge he could have just... stopped?
trust in others is difficult, he knows.
worse than that is how little cloud trusts himself.
rayne is sweet to placate him, convince him otherwise, and for the briefest moment, cloud believes it. they're fine, aren't they? they're talking about this reasonably, and whatever decisions they make after this will be of sound mind. it's why he lets his hand slip, the edge of his thumb gently pressing at that space beneath his lower lip. )
You might be right. ( but then again, rayne doesn't know him. he doesn't know rayne. ) I want... Is it okay if I kiss you?
( because it's something that should be different this time. )
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It's funny. The same trouble Cloud is having, Rayne could relate to, easily. Being unable to trust others, to trust himself. Another thing that the two of them, if they were to speak on it, would be able to understand, to connect on.
For now, all the two of them could expect to do is listen to the words the other does offer, to offer what support they could, no matter how little.
They might not know each other. That could easily change - they just need to make the most of the time that they had that wasn't forced upon them in some way by the city. They've gotten their feelings out there, their thoughts, and now... now they could move on, get to know each other, become friends, if that's what they decided to do.
Rayne's own hand shifts, moves to press lightly against the couch on the other side of Cloud, to keep himself up as he leans in further. Not yet taking Cloud's lips in his own, but making his acceptance of the question known. ]
It is. [ and... ] I want you to.
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he could never tell what things might align for any of them.
cloud nods, briefly, and then, almost carefully, he draws rayne against him. kissing him should be familiar—and it is. they've done this plenty of times before, but there has never been an opportunity to savor it, to simply relish in the proximity of one another and take it slow. he tries that now, a soft kiss that carefully deepens into one of exploration. his tongue, a gentle nip to his lower lip. this is the one thing he'll never tire of, and though he figures rayne has noted as much, it doesn't mean he won't voice it at some point.
when he draws back to breathe, it isn't far. only enough so their noses touch, his thumb absently tracing down one of the lines along his cheek. )
...I should go now, ( he offers quietly, not pulling away but not doing anything to further instigate another kiss. )
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